joshua vogelstein

“Alleged adults using the term “sexting” should really step down from the position of “Grown Up.”  

Especially, you, social commentators of our time, please reserve this word for inappropriate experimentation of sexuality via technology, i.e. when children are doing it. It should otherwise be assumed, hoped perhaps, even, that adult messages might include adult content. And, in such cases, it is neither inappropriate nor newsworthy- nor, in short, any of our business.

The word “sexting” itself, when applied to interaction between consenting adults, is the inappropriate and juvenile content at hand.

What Anthony has on his hands is really a technological blip. Like a teenager coming of age when answering machines were the new thing, leaving a love message on a classmate’s machine without knowing the house his voice resounded through was full of listeners. A new-technology faux pas. Not a sex scandal.

And one that in a healthy and neutral society would have been barely a blip on the radar. A tweet noticed by its unintended recipients, and either kept or erased depending upon the preference of the individual. Imagine that for one moment; receiving that tweet. Thinking, “Huh, this is clearly not intended for me,” and pushing delete. This is not a big deal, and if we were comfortable, as a people, with sexual expression, making our public a forum for intelligent and honest conversation, it would not have become so.

The misdemeanor was, of course, between he and his wife. What happened there? What was the glitch in that matrix? Well, let’s take the reaction of the public as a barometer for, in our culture, how available most of us are for a mature conversation around the topic of sexual desire and expression. We tend to wander into marriage, then wonder what to do with the sexual energy that arises outside the confines of that connection. Perhaps we expect the body to shut down, to be attracted to no one else, perhaps that is how we were told it is supposed to be. I think that it is safe to say that it is not the experience of most of humanity. That we are not supposed to feel attraction toward others once we marry is the first myth in rendering mature conversation around sexuality, even or especially with our beloved partner/spouse (since it is he/she we least want to hurt), impossible. The second myth is that if you feel attracted to others it means that you do not love your partner enough; that you are not attracted enough to your partner; that something is lacking. That your partner is supposed to be everything to you, and that it bodes well for the success and longevity of your marriage if they are, is myths three and four. Myth two also works conversely- that if your partner feels attraction towards others, he/she does not love you, feel attracted to you… enough. This is not true. As long as the body is alive, attraction happens. It is neither good nor bad, nor has anything to do with your partner. What you do with that energy, how you channel it, is what does have to do with the partnership, and it is a choice. 

The conversation between partners that can happen, empowering themselves with their personal, unique, and ever alterable decisions, is a healthy one. A flowing river rather than a stagnant swamp of assumptions, resentment, and myths. Myths are most dangerous, because what they do is make that attraction, when and if it naturally arises, extremely shameful, scary, potentially hurtful, robbing the couple of open, honest, vital, exciting, transparent, mature, fluid communication within marriage.

Simply by acknowledging that attraction is not supposed to not happen, we alleviate a lot of pressure.

But why not pretend the outside attraction isn’t there? 

Could that be easier? Perhaps. For the time being. It is another route. Unfortunately, when desires go unacknowledged, resentment toward the partner often builds up, simply because that energy has nowhere to go. And because fantasy around the unknown and ungraspable will inevitably appear more perfect than what you can have. Rather than protecting the marriage, pretending outside attraction does not exist can counter intuitively be a huge disservice to the couple. It charges everyone else with a forbiddenness that the psyche reads as attraction. It creates an energy. No good! It creates space to endow the forbidden and unaquaintable ones with projection, fantasy, and perfection. It goes along with the old adage, “What you resist persists,” and is what mostly results in the avoided “Infidelity”- that is, behavior that goes outside

the contract between those two particular people.

How exciting that this is what marriage is! How fortunate!

How exciting that the contract is really a conversation. [One hopefully, rather than to ‘contract’ into, something to allow for expansion.] It is an agreement to keep agreeing. To exploring and finding what is true for each of you, what serves and supports you.

We can help each other rise to be higher than we can be alone, given our blind spots to ourselves- if only there is neutral enough ground to share candidly.

Anthony may have been given the real seeing that he may have been seeking in showing himself, by his wife. From candid conversations about desire, about sex itself, about fame and power. If these conversations are allowed.

Or, perhaps not. Perhaps attention from others, different kinds of attention are something that served him in those moments. Small expressions of sexual desire. [Perhaps that in their connection it would not have been appropriate for him to play the sexy Congressman (this is sooo none of our business) but playing that role supported something he needed.] Perhaps the energy he got from that he was able to take home and give to his wife, somehow. And if he could have shared (told about) the presence of that experiment in his life, and she could have supported it, perhaps it could have added another layer to their connection, understanding and relationship. Perhaps it will now.

What if couples clear the slate and tell the truth without taking things personally? What if we recognize that our nature, our desire and our love is something more complex than can fit in the texting box. That it is something nuanced and changing. Something sacred, whatever it may be, simply by the nature of its being what we feel. What if all of our desires could be witnessed and heard by another human being, as human and perfect? Oh what a spouse that human could be.

What if we as a collective slowly begin to use moments of public displays of vulnerability and exposure to recognize our own? What if we use them as opportunities, not to point and judge, but to reflect and share? We can continue to nurture our fantasies and get lost in this digital age, where media is in danger of replacing realized meaningful relationships. Or we can use the media and those brave, lucky, and crazy enough to be a part of it, to nurture our own humanity, recognize vulnerability, grow compassion, and begin the conversation.”

-a